


They're Too Big

by Shutterbutters



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 22:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19029154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shutterbutters/pseuds/Shutterbutters
Summary: Passionlip and Kingprotea ask Gudako to give them jobs running reconnaissance out on the field. The problem is, scouts need to be stealthy in order to be successful, and they're... er...





	They're Too Big

With the near instantaneous data recording and transfer abilities of the Sakura Five, Meltryllis proved to be one of the most efficient and celebrated forward scouts in Chaldea. With her incredible speed, agility, and BB to relay intelligence back to base, Melt could map out an uncharted network of caves in the time it took for Gudako to make herself a sandwich.

It was in the middle of making one in fact, that Gudako found herself dealing with complaints from two unhappy-looking servants. The Plaintiffs? Melt’s sisters.

Passionlip and Kingprotea stood (well, hunkered down really) in the doorway to the kitchen, their large forms and larger frowns blocking off the only exit.

“Yes?” Gudako said, concern creeping into her voice. “What’s up, you two?”

“We… Er…” Protea began, fumbling with her massive hands as she tried to find the words between her fingers.  
  
“We… We want to be scouts too!” Lip said, her voice rising to a yell.

“W-What?”

“Everyone praises Meltryllis and talks about how cool she is,” Protea said. “But I want everyone to say I’m the coolest too! We’re connected to Mother just like Meltryllis. Send us on scouting missions, we can do it just as fast as she can!

Lip nodded vigorously while scrunching her face into as serious a look as she could muster. It looked more like she was puffing her cheeks.

Gudako looked at Protea, then at Lip, then at Protea again, with the face of someone not quite sure how she was supposed to state the obvious.

“Guys, I don’t know how to tell you this but um, scouting missions are incredibly dangerous. You’ll be all alone deep in enemy territory with barely any support, and if you get found then things could go south very quickly. You need to be stealthy to be a good scout and you two are… Well…”

Gudako spread her arms as wide as she could.

“Hug?” Protea asked.

“What? No! No! This isn’t a hug this is me saying- Okay fine.”

The two Alter Egos huddled closer to the master and pressed against her arms, taking extra care not to crush her. They stayed that way for a happy second, before returning to their positions.

“Right. As I was saying,” Gudako said. “You need to be fast, resourceful, and invisible to be a proper scout in the field. I just don’t think you guys have what it takes to be invisible.”

“What?!” Protea protested.

“We can be all those things!” Lip added.

Gudako sighed. “Alright you two. I’m going to turn around, close my eyes, and count down from five. Hide. If I can’t find you within two minutes, you both get to share missions with Melt. Deal?”

“Y-Yes!”

“A deal!”

Gudako turned back to her sandwich and covered her eyes. She was pretty sure it would take her less time to find them than it would to count down, but she  _had_ been surprised before.

“Five.”

**_BANG. CRASH._ **

“Four.”

**_CLACKCLACKCLACKCLACK_ **

“Three.”

 ** _“WHAM WHAM WHAM_**  
  
“Two.”  
  
“What are you mongrels doi-WHAAAA”

“One.”

Silence.

Gudako turned around. 

It seemed that Lip couldn’t decide on whether she wanted to pass as a lamp or as an armchair, and so had taken to stuffing a lampshade on her head and an armchair cover over her claws while sitting deathly still. Truth be told, she actually sort of passed as a terrifying lamp-armchair hybrid. She looked ridiculous, but maybe she might have been a bold installation in a museum of modern art. The problem is, they weren’t in a museum. They were in a kitchen.

Kingprotea on the other hand, had appeared to have given up on finding something to hide behind. She had taken to smashing through the floor with her fists and driving her head into it, looking for all the world like a gigantic mummy-ostrich. 

The not-so-faint screams of the people below hovered into Gudako’s ears.

“THERE’S A FACE IN THE BATHROOM CEILING. THERE’S A FACE. IN THE CEILING!”

“IT’S WATCHING ME PEE! IT’S WATCHING ME PEEEEEE!”

“Shhh! Shhh!” Kingprotea pleaded to the onlookers below. “I just need a couple of minutes!”

“I… I think we’re winning!” murmured the lampshaded armchair. It began to shake from excitement.

Gudako massaged at her temples. This was going to be hard to explain. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! 
> 
> As always, these works are first posted to my Tumblr at Shuttershocky.tumblr.com. Come say hi!


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